When we’ve been hurt, our self-protection instinct kicks in. It doesn’t matter if the person who hurt us was a parent, romantic partner, colleague, friend, or bully.

The problem starts when our self-protection instinct hurts us: it can keep us isolated and prevent us from developing healthy friendships. Unfortunately, we can’t avoid pain in life and the truth is that people often hurt each other unintentionally.

There is a chance of conflict whenever two people have different views, agendas or needs. However, if we think about possible problems whenever we meet someone new, we will want to lock ourselves in a room and never go out. Of course, we will miss out on the potential for growth and joy.

It can help challenge our unhelpful thoughts when we get anxious about trusting others. For example, if we catch ourselves thinking, “No one will ever be there for me when I need them,” we can ask ourselves:

• Do I know for a fact that this is true?
• What is the evidence against this thought?
• What would I say to a friend who was thinking this way?
• Is this a helpful thought to have? It might be protecting me from pain, but what are the downsides?
• Can I think of a more realistic way of framing this situation?

In this case, we might replace our original thought with something like this:

“There are billions of people on this planet, so I can’t know that no one will ever be there for me, and although I’ve been let down, I have met many trustworthy people. I’d tell a friend in this situation that it can take time to build strong friendships, but it’s possible. Thinking this way keeps me safe, but it also stops me from having fulfilling relationships with other people. Embracing this thought would make me more relaxed around others.”

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