What do you do when you’re upset with a friend? Most of us say we suck it up to preserve the relationship but, what if I told you that by suppressing conflict, you’re weakening relationships?
Research has found that healthy conflict brings people closer and people who engage in healthy conflict have greater well-being, are more popular, and have less depression, anxiety and loneliness because when people avoid conflict, they often choose to distance themselves, which damages relationships.
Many of our fears around conflict stem from misconceptions about what conflict looks like. We have a picture in our heads of arguments escalating, shouting, and door slamming. Some of us may have worked up the courage to confront others, only to have our relationships destroyed, leading us to conclude that silencing ourselves is the best approach; but our issue is likely not that we brought up issues, but how we did it.
To work through conflict and so improve our friendships, we need to know how to do it effectively.
When you’re incensed it’s not the time to begin the conversation. Researchers found angry conflict damages relationships. Often when we are fuming we are adversarial, we try to put the other person in their place but a calm collaborative approach helps us figure out ways to make the relationship better.
Here are some questions to ask yourself before moving forward with the conflict:
- Am I seeing this conflict as an opportunity to make our relationship better?
- Can I approach this conflict calmly?
- Am I ready to share my concerns, but also to listen and empathise?
Engaging in healthy conflict capitalises on the psychological theory of reciprocity. The theory argues that people treat you the way you treat them.
Anger begets anger; kindness begets kindness. If you approach conflict this way, chances are your friendship will flourish.
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